That Pirates Show
by ijnfleetadmiral
Summary: It's That 70's Show meets Pirates of the Caribbean. I know it sounds weird, but read it...it's funny. CHAPTER 5 NOW UP!
1. Arrival In Port Place

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing; I'm just borrowing both shows and combining them for fun. Enjoy!

**Note:** This fanfic is in screenplay format; that's why the actions are in caps. I'm not trying to violate the terms of agreement.

**Pairings:** Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, Kelso/Brooke, Fez/someone we know, Red/Kitty

**"That Pirates Show"**

OPEN ON THE TOWN OF PORT PLACE. THE SHIP EMERALD LEAF SAILS INTO THE OUTER HARBOR AND DROPS ANCHOR.

CUT TO:

THE HELM. STANDING AT THE WHEEL IS THE CAPTAIN, STEVEN HYDE. ONCE THE SHIP IS FIRMLY ANCHORED, HE WALKS DOWN TO THE MAIN DECK AND APPROACHES HIS FIRST MATE; IT'S LEO.

HYDE:

Leo, man, I'm goin' ashore to recruit some new crewmembers. You're in charge until I get back.

LEO:

(With an easygoing, spacey grin) Cool, man. It may not look like it, but I can be a real hard-ass when I want to.

HYDE GRINS.

HYDE:

Whatever, man. Later.

HYDE CLIMBS DOWN INTO A ROWBOAT AND HEADS FOR SHORE.

CUT TO:

PORT PLACE DOCKS. STANDING ON THE DOCKS ARE DONNA, ERIC, AND KITTY. THEY ARE ALL WAITING FOR HYDE TO COME IN.

KITTY

Well, I am just so excited about Steven coming to visit. He doesn't visit often enough. That musty ship is no place for such a sweet boy. (She laughs her signature laugh.)

ERIC:

(Nervously) Hyde better be careful. The Navy finds out he's here, he's gonna get arrested.

DONNA:

(Sarcastically) With who's in charge around here, I'd like to see that.

BY NOW, HYDE HAS PULLED HIS ROWBOAT UP TO THE DOCKS AND HAS TIED IT UP. HE CLIMBS ONTO THE DOCK.

HYDE:

(To ERIC, DONNA, and KITTY) Hey.

KITTY:

(Rushes forward and hugs HYDE) Oh Steven, we missed you! You need to come visit more often.

HYDE:

(Uncomfortable) I know. (KITTY is still hugging him) Mrs. Forman, I can't breathe.

KITTY LETS GO AT THAT REMARK, AND LAUGHS.

KITTY:

Oopsie! Oh, Steven, I'm just so happy to see you.

HYDE GOES AND HUGS DONNA AND IS SHAKING ERIC'S HAND WHEN FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. DONNA TURNS AND LOOKS BEHIND HER.

DONNA:

(Worried) Oh no...

THE CAMERA TURNS TO SHOW THE MILITARY COMMANDER OF PORT PLACE, COMMODORE MICHAEL KELSO, MARCHING TOWARDS THEM WITH A GROUP OF SOLDIERS FOLLOWING BEHIND. HIS SECOND-IN-COMMAND, LIEUTENANT FEZ, IS WITH HIM. THE GROUP STOPS IN FRONT OF HYDE, AND KELSO, WEARING A BIG, DOPEY GRIN, MOTIONS TO FEZ, WHO STEPS FORWARD WITH A SET OF HANDCUFFS.

FEZ:

(Guilty) I am sorry, Hyde, but I must arrest you because you are a pirate.

KELSO STEPS FORWARD, POINTS AT HYDE, AND LAUGHS LIKE AN IDIOT.

KELSO:

BURN!

HYDE SAYS NOTHING, BUT IN A SPLIT SECOND, HIS HANDS SHOOT FORWARD, SMACKING KELSO IN THE CHEST HARD. KELSO TEETERS ON THE EDGE OF THE DOCK FOR A MINUTE, HIS ARMS WHIRLING LIKE WINDMILLS IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP HIS BALANCE, BEFORE HE FALLS INTO THE HARBOR WITH A HUGE SPLASH. HYDE, DONNA, AND ERIC BURST OUT LAUGHING, AND THE GROUP OF SOLDIERS ARE STRUGGLING TO KEEP STRAIGHT FACES. KELSO SURFACES A FEW SECONDS LATER, SPLUTTERING.

KELSO:

(Angrily) Not nice, Hyde!

FEZ PANICS.

FEZ:

Don't worry, Kelso! I will save you!

FEZ JUMPS INTO THE HARBOR AND HELPS KELSO TO A LADDER NEARBY. THEY CLIMB ONTO THE DOCKS AGAIN, DRIPPING WET AND KELSO POUTING. FEZ DISMISSES THE GROUP OF SOLDIERS, WHO HEAD BACK TO THE FORT, LAUGHING QUIETLY AT THE INEPTNESS OF THEIR TWO SENIOR COMMANDERS. AS THEY PASS BY, BROOKE KELSO, THE TOWN LIBRARIAN, WALKS ONTO THE PIER AND STARES AT HER HUSBAND, TRYING HARD NOT TO LAUGH.

BROOKE:

(With a patient smile) Michael, what did I tell you about trying to catch dolphins?

KELSO:

(Spastically) This wasn't a dolphin, Brooke. (Turns and points at Hyde) Hyde pushed me and I fell in!

BROOKE ROLLS HER EYES AND LAUGHS, THEN GOES UP TO KELSO AND KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK.

BROOKE:

Ok, Michael...whatever you say. I've got to go pick up Betsy from my Mother's. I'll see you back at the fort.

KELSO GRINS A BIG DOPEY GRIN AT HER AS SHE LEAVES. FEZ TURNS TO KELSO

FEZ:

Come on, Kelso...let's go back to the fort and I will help you fix your hair into your "Commodore's 'do" again.

KELSO GRINS AT FEZ

KELSO:

Aw, thanks, Little Buddy.

FEZ:

(His smile vanishes) That's _Lieutenant_ Little Buddy to you, you son-of-a-bitch!

AT THIS MOMENT, HYDE, ERIC, AND DONNA, AND KITTY WALK BY. KELSO AND FEZ SUDDENLY REMEMBER WHY THEY CAME DOWN TO THE DOCKS AND FEZ HEADS OVER TO HYDE.

FEZ:

(To HYDE) Hyde, you are under arrest.

HYDE FROGGS FEZ AS HE WALKS BY.

HYDE:

Get bent.

FEZ GRIMACES IN PAIN AND HOLDS HIS ARM.

FEZ:

Ai!

KELSO ATTEMPTS TO STOP HYDE, BUT HE DOESN'T SEE THE BOOM FROM A SHIP'S MAST OVERHANGING HIS PATH. HE RUNS RIGHT INTO IT, CROWNING HIMSELF GOOD.

KELSO:

OW! MY EYE!

HE STAGGERS AROUND, HOLDING HIS EYE IN PAIN. HE THEREFORE DOES NOT SEE THE PLANK ON THE DOCK THAT IS STICKING UP. HE TRIPS ON IT, STUMBLES, AND PROCEEDS TO FALL INTO THE HARBOR AGAIN.

KELSO:

(Off-screen, in the water) Damn it! That's the third time today!

END SCENE

**Up Next:** Where's Red? A party at the Governor's Mansion, and one of Hyde's new crewmembers turns out to be really annoying...

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	2. Party at the Governor's

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One.

**Chapter Two: Party at the Governor's  
**

THE CAMERA SHOWS THE GOVERNOR'S HOUSE IN PORT PLACE. PEOPLE ARE GATHERING FOR A PARTY. THE GOVERNOR (BOB) AND HIS DAUGHTER (DONNA) ARE WELCOMING GUESTS. RED, KITTY, AND ERIC ENTER. ERIC SHAKES HANDS WITH BOB, THEN KISSES DONNA BRIEFLY AND THEY HEAD OFF TOGETHER.

BOB:

(Greeting the Formans) Hey there, hi there, ho there...it's the town blacksmith!

RED SMILES TIGHTLY, LOOKING EVERY BIT AS THOUGH HE'D RATHER BE ANYWHERE BUT HERE.

KITTY:

Thank you for inviting us, Bob.

BOB:

(Smiling) Everybody's welcome when Governor Bob throws a party!

RED:

(Disgusted) Oh, for God's sake.

CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA STANDING TOGETHER. BROOKE WALKS OVER TO THEM.

BROOKE:

(Smiling) Thank you for inviting Michael and I, Donna.

ERIC:

(Looking around) Speaking of which, where is Kelso, by the way?

BROOKE LOOKS AROUND FOR A MOMENT.

BROOKE:

(Uncertain) He was right beside me when we stepped out of our coach...

AT THAT MOMENT, KELSO STROLLS IN FROM THE BACK OF THE HOUSE. HIS ONCE-IMMACULATE UNIFORM IS COVERED IN DIRT, HIS HAIR IS MESSED-UP, AND HE IS GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT. SEEING HIS WIFE, HE WALKS OVER TO THE GROUP.

DONNA:

(In disbelief) Kelso, what the hell?

BROOKE:

(Embarrassed) Michael...what happened?

KELSO:

(A big, dopey grin on his face) Sorry, Brooke, but when I see a bunch of dogs, you know I've gotta play with 'em.

BROOKE STRUGGLES NOT TO LAUGH WHILE DONNA AND ERIC STARE AT KELSO LIKE THEY CAN'T BELIEVE HOW DUMB HE IS. FEZ WANDERS OVER AND SEES KELSO COVERED IN DIRT AND NOT CARING ONE BIT.

FEZ:

(Referring to KELSO) Oh, my shame is great.

KELSO:

(Smiling) Playing with those dogs reminds me of the times I did that back in London. (He looks sad) Then I got sent out here without being able to say goodbye. (A beat, and he grins) But I guess me getting sent out here is kinda a good thing...I don't think the London ladies coulda handled any more foxiness from me.

DONNA:

(Exasperated) Kelso, you got sent out here because you blew up an Admiral's flagship!

KELSO:

(Spastically) UH! How was I supposed to know rum was flammable, Donna? And besides, all that gunpowder, just sitting there in the hold? I mean, you shoulda seen it...that was one sweet explosion!

KELSO LAUGHS LIKE A MORON AT HIS RECOLLECTION. FEZ, DONNA AND ERIC STARE AT HIM LIKE HE'S CRAZY AND BROOKE SMILES AND SHAKES HER HEAD.

FEZ:

(Shaking his head at KELSO) Oh, you poor, poor man. You do not even realize you have been royally burned. (A beat) The King sent him out here..."royal" burn...(laughs) good one, Fez.

A GROUP OF PRETTY GIRLS WALK PAST AND FEZ IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWS THEM WITH A SLEAZY GRIN ON HIS FACE. AS FEZ LEAVES, HYDE WALKS UP TO THE GROUP.

HYDE:

Hey.

KELSO GLARES AT HYDE.

KELSO:

(Pointing at HYDE) You resisted arrest, Hyde!

HYDE FROGGS HIM.

KELSO:

OW! DAMN, HYDE! What was that for?

HYDE:

Every time you say the word 'arrest', that's what'll happen to you.

KELSO:

(Holding his arm and pouting) Hyde, you're a wanted criminal. I gotta arrest - (HYDE froggs him) OW! (KELSO tries again) Why'd you have to resist Fez when he tried to arrest - (HYDE froggs him again) OW! DAMN, HYDE! My arm's gonna be bruised!

HYDE:

(Calmly) Would you rather have a bruised face instead?

KELSO:

(Nervously) No...

CUT TO:

A GROUP OF BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN STANDING AROUND CHATTING. FEZ WALKS UP WITH A SLEAZY SMILE ON HIS FACE.

FEZ:

Hello ladies. Tonight is your lucky night! All of you have been granted free passage on Lieutenant Fez's Ship of Love!

THE GIRLS ALL LOOK AT FEZ, DISGUSTED.

GIRL:

(Snottily, to FEZ) We don't associate with foreigners, especially foreign sailors.

THE GIRLS WALK OFF AS A GROUP, LEAVING FEZ STANDING THERE.

FEZ:

(Dejectedly) Ai.

CUT TO:

A PORCH OUTSIDE. ERIC, DONNA, ARE SITTING TOGETHER ON ONE SOFA. BROOKE IS SITTING ON ANOTHER SOFA. ERIC, DONNA, AND BROOKE APPEAR TO BE HOLDING IN LAUGHTER. HYDE IS ACTING HIS USUAL ZEN SELF, AND APPEARS TO BE SITTING ON SOMETHING ON THE GROUND.

KELSO:

(From beneath HYDE) Hyde, things are starting to go fuzzy! Get off me, man!

HYDE:

(Zen) Not until you promise not to try and arrest me every time I come to Port Place.

KELSO:

(From beneath HYDE) Sorry, I can't promise that, man.

HYDE:

(Zen) Ok, I'll just relax, then.

HYDE GETS COMFY, LEANING BACK AGAINST THE SMALL SOFA BROOKE IS SITTING ON AND THROWING HIS ARMS OVER THE SEAT BEHIND HIM.

KELSO:

(A beat, then frantically) OK! OK! I PROMISE I WON'T TRY AND ARREST YOU WHEN YOU'RE IN PORT PLACE ANYMORE! NOW GET OFF MY CHEST, MAN!

HYDE GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR, FOLLOWED BY A RED-FACED KELSO, WHO IMMEDIATELY SITS DOWN BESIDE BROOKE, CROSSES HIS ARMS, AND STARTS POUTING. HYDE LOOKS AT KELSO AND GRINS, WHILE BROOKE COMFORTS KELSO AND ERIC AND DONNA LAUGH AT HIM.

HYDE:

And my work here is done. Well, I'll see ya, guys...gotta go round up some new crewmembers. (A beat) By that I mean post a "Help Wanted" notice in the tavern and the boarding house that says to report to the docks tomorrow afternoon and then come back here and hang out.

CUT TO:

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON. ERIC AND DONNA APPROACH HYDE AS HE IS WALKING TO THE DOCKS. ERIC IS CARRYING LUGGAGE FOR BOTH HIM AND DONNA.

HYDE:

(Looking at the luggage) What the hell is this?

DONNA:

(Determinedly) We're coming with you. My Dad and Mrs. Forman are driving us crazy with the wedding preparations.

HYDE:

(Reluctantly) It all depends on how many crewmembers I get.

THEY REACH THE PIER TO FIND ONLY THREE PEOPLE ON THE DOCKS. HYDE TURNS TO ERIC AND DONNA.

HYDE:

(A tight smile) Welcome aboard, guys.

DONNA:

(Trying hard not to laugh) You would've had another crewmember, but then my Dad realized he was the Governor, so he had to stay behind and do that job.

HYDE:

(Rolls his eyes) Whatever. Come on.

THEY APPROACH THE THREE PEOPLE ON THE PIER. TWO ARE STANDING CLOSE TOGETHER; IT'S MITCH AND FENTON.

HYDE:

Why do you two wanna be crewmembers?

MITCH:

(Excitedly) Being a pirate looks so cool!

FENTON:

I've heard that pirates are attractive because they're wild and forbidden. (Smugly) That's me to a T.

ERIC AND DONNA STRUGGLE NOT TO BURST OUT LAUGHING. HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOSE IT, BUT QUICKLY MANAGES TO REGAIN HIS ZEN, REALIZING THAT THESE THREE PLUS DONNA AND ERIC ARE ABOUT ALL HE'S GOING TO GET.

HYDE:

(Zen) Whatever. You're both hired.

MITCH GETS A FAR-AWAY LOOK IN HIS EYES AND A SPACEY GRIN ON HIS FACE. FENTON SQUEALS AND DOES A HAPPY DANCE RIGHT ON THE DOCK WHILE HYDE LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE'S CRAZY.

HYDE:

(To FENTON) Don't make me hurt you, man.

FENTON:

(Stops dancing and faces HYDE) Sorry, Captain, sir.

HYDE ROLLS HIS EYES AND CONTINUES TO THE LAST PERSON ON THE DOCK. THE PERSON IS SHORT AND HAS A HUGE FLOPPY HAT ON. HYDE CAN'T SEE THE PERSON'S FACE, SO HE YANKS THE HAT OFF THE PERSON'S HEAD. IT'S JACKIE.

HYDE:

Aw, crap.

ERIC:

(To DONNA; both are trying hard not to laugh) Yeah, this trip just got a whole lot more interesting.

HYDE LOOKS AT ERIC LIKE HE WANTS TO KILL HIM. BOTH ERIC AND DONNA BURST OUT LAUGHING.

END SCENE

**Up Next:** The voyage begins, and Kelso and Fez try their hands at sailing. Uh-oh. :)


	3. Stupidity on the High Seas

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One.

**Chapter Three: Stupidity on the High Seas**

THE CAMERA SHOWS EXACTLY WHERE WE LEFT OFF LAST TIME. ERIC AND DONNA ARE LAUGHING AT HYDE, WHO'S STANDING IN FRONT OF JACKIE, NOT PLEASED AT ALL.

HYDE:

(To JACKIE) Jackie, why the hell do you wanna be a pirate?

JACKIE:

I don't. But you stole the ship my Daddy bought me and wrecked it! You owe me a ship, Ste-_ven_!

HYDE:

(Exasperated) Jackie, I'm a pirate. I don't have time to find you the exact ship you want.

JACKIE:

(Begging) But Ste-_ven_...(gasps suddenly and excitedly grabs HYDE's arm; we see him flinch (albeit barely noticeably) at the spark her touching him gives off) I know how I can get my ship really quick!

HYDE:

(Crosses his arms and stares at JACKIE) This oughta be good. Let's hear it.

JACKIE:

(Excitedly) We could get married! I know you like me. Then when we got married, we would share everything, so I would get half of your ship, and that would solve the problem of me wanting a ship!

DONNA AND ERIC BURST OUT LAUGHING, AND EVEN MITCH AND FENTON SEEM TO FIND IT FUNNY, THOUGH NOT TO THE EXTENT OF DONNA AND ERIC. HYDE AUTOMATICALLY GOES ZEN, BUT A MUSCLE TWITCHES IN HIS JAW.

HYDE:

(With heavy sarcasm and fake excitement) Yeah, and then I could be known as the only pirate to have a ship that's painted pink and decorated with unicorns! (Blows a raspberry in JACKIE's face) Uh-uh...ain't no way, Doll. I'm a pirate, and pirates don't get married.

JACKIE:

(Whiny) But Ste-_ven_...

HYDE:

(Cuts her off) NO, Jackie. If you wanna come along, fine. But you do as I say.

JACKIE POUTS, BUT FOLLOWS THE REST OF THE GROUP INTO THE BOAT.

CUT TO:

PORT PLACE FORT. FEZ IS LOOKING THROUGH A TELESCOPE AT THE DEPARTING _EMERALD LEAF_. HE GRINS, THEN RUNS INTO THE FORT AND UP A SET OF STAIRS.

CUT TO:

KELSO'S OFFICE. HE IS LOOKING AT AN OLD BOOK THAT DESCRIBES SEXUAL POSITIONS. HE IS GRINNING A BIG, DOPEY GRIN AND GIGGLING LIKE A LITTLE KID.

KELSO:

(Smugly) Done that one...done that one...(he turns a page) done that one...

FEZ RUNS INTO THE ROOM.

FEZ:

(Excitedly) Kelso! Hyde's ship has just left port! He took some people out to his ship, then two crewmembers came back and left a little while later with a lot of luggage.

KELSO JUMPS UP.

KELSO:

(Excitedly) Awesome! Hyde's in for it now! I promised him I wouldn't try and arrest him here, but I didn't say anything about when he was aboard his ship! (He heads for the door, then turns and grins at FEZ) When he sees my flagship comin' after him with all our soldiers, he'll FREAK, man!

FEZ:

(Nodding) Yes, it is always funny when Hyde loses it, although it is rare. But no matter what, Hyde losing it plus you equals hilarity.

KELSO:

(Spastically; not getting it at all) I KNOW! I'm gonna go round up the soldiers!

KELSO RUNS OUT OF HIS OFFICE.

FEZ

(Calling after him) Don't forget about the stairs, Kelso!

FEZ'S WARNING OBVIOUSLY COMES TOO LATE, AS WE HEAR A HUGE TUMBLE, FOLLOWED BY A LOUD CRASH.

KELSO:

(Off-screen, faintly) OW! MY EYE!

FEZ:

(Shaking his head sadly) Ai.

HE WANDERS OVER TO KELSO'S DESK AND PICKS UP THE BOOK KELSO WAS READING. THE MOMENT HE SEES WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT, HIS EYES GROW WIDE AND A SLEAZY SMILE APPEARS ON HIS FACE. HE CLOSES THE BOOK, TUCKS IT UNDER HIS ARM, AND HEADS FOR A SMALL BATHROOM NEARBY, STILL GRINNING.

CUT TO:

THE DECK OF KELSO'S FLAGSHIP. THERE SHOULD BE A LARGE GROUP OF CREWMEN ON DECK, BUT THERE IS ONLY FEZ, WHO IS STEERING THE SHIP, AND KELSO, WHO IS STANDING NEARBY, HIS ARMS CROSSED, POUTING.

KELSO:

(Pissed) I can't believe none of the soldiers would come with us! This SUCKS, man!

FEZ:

(Also pissed) That's because they know how clumsy you are, you son-of-a-bitch! And now I am stuck with having to steer the ship all by myself!

KELSO:

(Smugly) Oh well, at least the voyage isn't a total loss. One of our passengers is smokin' hot!

BROOKE comes up to where KELSO and FEZ are standing.

BROOKE:

(Smiling) Thank you for inviting me along, Michael. It's not often we get to do things together.

KELSO GRINS LIKE AN IDIOT.

KELSO:

I'm just glad your Mom wanted to spend some time with Betsy. (With a smug grin) Wanna try and give Betsy a little brother or sister while we're out here?

BROOKE:

(Trying hard not to laugh) I don't think so, Michael...we're not ready for a second child.

FEZ:

(Muttering to himself) Yes, please, God...one child with Kelso's genes is enough in this world.

KELSO HEARS HIM AND WHIRLS AROUND.

KELSO:

(Spastically) UH!

BEFORE THEY CAN ARGUE FURTHER, THE OTHER PASSENGERS COME ON DECK: BOB, RED, AND KITTY. BOB AND KITTY LOOK HAPPY; RED, AS USUAL, LOOKS GRUMPY.

BOB:

(Takes a deep breath) Oh goodie...I love being on a cruise.

KITTY:

We're not on a cruise, Bob...we're going to bring back Donna and Eric. (Sighs) Well, I just can't believe they ran off like this.

RED:

(Exasperated) Kitty, why are we doing this? Eric's gone...he's moved out. Why are we going after him? (Glares at Kelso) Especially on a ship commanded by Commodore Butterfingers!

KELSO:

(With a big dopey grin) GUYS, WATCH THIS! If Fez lets go of the wheel, it'll spin around really, really FAST! (Laughs like an idiot)

FEZ:

(Quietly, to himself) Oh my God, we are all going to die...

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	4. A Woman Aboard Is Bad Luck

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One.

**Author's Note:** Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far...hope you like this chapter!

**Chapter Four: A Woman Aboard Is Bad Luck...**

THE CAMERA SHOWS THE _EMERALD LEAF_ HEADING TOWARDS SHORE. HYDE IS AT THE WHEEL, WITH LEO DOWN ON THE DECK SUPERVISING THE CREW. (IN OTHER WORDS, STARING OFF INTO SPACE WITH A GLAZED LOOK IN HIS EYES.) ERIC COMES ON DECK AND WALKS OVER TO HYDE. WE CAN SEE HE IS TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO BURST OUT LAUGHING.

HYDE:

(Looking at him funny) Forman, if you have to go potty, there's a bucket in your quarters.

ERIC:

(Grinning) Um, Hyde, remember how after Jackie came on board, she went back to shore with Mitch and Fenton and brought aboard a bunch of luggage?

HYDE:

Yeah, so? If she wants more space, tell her to forget it. I told her before she brought those on board they were gonna take up too much room, but she didn't want to listen...no surprise there.

ERIC:

No, she doesn't want more space...she um, kinda...redecorated.

HYDE'S GAZE SNAPS TO ERIC AS HE YELLS TO FENTON.

HYDE:

Get over here and take the wheel!

FENTON:

(Scrambles to do what HYDE says) Yes, Captain, sir.

HYDE shakes his head and heads below, with ERIC following.

CUT TO:

THE GIRLS' QUARTERS. HYDE WALKS INTO THE DOORWAY, STARTS, THEN PLACES A HAND ON EITHER SIDE OF THE DOORFRAME AND LOOKS IN THE ROOM, DARTING HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH FRANTICALLY, HIS EYES WIDE.

THE CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW THE ROOM. PINK BLANKETS HAVE BEEN HUNG ON THE WALLS. THE FLOORS HAVE BEEN SCRUBBED AND SEVERAL STUFFED UNICORNS HANG FROM STRINGS TIED OVER THE RAFTERS. JACKIE'S BUNK HAS PINK BLANKETS ON IT AND FRILLY PILLOWS. DONNA'S BUNK, THANKFULLY STILL LOOKS THE SAME. DONNA IS SITTING ON HER BUNK, RED-FACED FROM TRYING NOT TO LAUGH AT HYDE. JACKIE IS SITTING ON HER BUNK, SMILING ADORINGLY AT HYDE.

WE CUT TO SHOW HYDE, WHO HAS GONE COMPLETELY ZEN, SAVE FOR THE TICKING MUSCLE IN HIS JAW THAT SAYS HE IS CLOSE TO LOSING IT.

HYDE:

(Calmly) Take. It. Down.

JACKIE:

(Offended) You don't like it, Steven?

HYDE:

(Exasperated) Jackie, this is a pirate ship! This is no place for all this frilly frou-frou crap!

JACKIE STOMPS OVER TO HER BUNK, SITS DOWN, CROSSES HER ARMS, AND POUTS, STICKING HER LOWER LIP OUT AND LOOKING OVER AT HYDE WITH BIG PUPPY EYES. WE CAN SEE HYDE TRYING DESPERATELY TO NOT GIVE IN.

HYDE:

(Gives up) Whatever, Jackie...just make sure the crew doesn't see this. I don't need any more grief.

AT THAT MOMENT, LEO POKES HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR.

LEO:

Whoa...Loud Girl redecorated! It's pink...I like pink!

JACKIE GRINS AT HYDE AS IF TO SAY 'YOU SEE?' HYDE ROLLS HIS EYES AND STOMPS OFF TO HIS OWN CABIN AS DONNA AND ERIC BURST OUT LAUGHING.

CUT TO:

HYDE'S CABIN AT THE STERN OF THE SHIP. HYDE ENTERS AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE STARTS PACING THE ROOM, BUT NOTICES A MOVEMENT. HE TURNS AND THE CAMERA SHOWS HIS VIEW OF THE BAY OF WINDOWS AT THE STERN OF THE SHIP. THERE ARE NOW FRILLY LACE CURTAINS OVER THE WINDOWS, HYDE'S BED IS NEATLY FIXED, AND A HEART-SHAPED PILLOW AND STUFFED UNICORN ARE RESTING ON TOP OF THE NEATLY-MADE BED.

HYDE:

(His Zen forgotten) JACKIE! What the HELL did you do to my cabin?!

ERIC AND DONNA CAN BE HEARD ROARING WITH LAUGHTER OFF-CAMERA. HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOSE IT.

HYDE:

(To himself) Ok, there's only one place we can go that'll make all this crap worthwhile...

CUT TO:

THE CAMERA SHOWS THE _EMERALD LEAF_ PULLING INTO A HARBOR AND DROPPING ANCHOR.

CUT TO:

THE HELM. HYDE IS STANDING WITH HIS HAND ON THE SHIP'S WHEEL, WITH DONNA, ERIC, AND JACKIE BESIDE HIM.

HYDE:

(Turning to DONNA and ERIC) Welcome to "Funland", guys.

THE CAMERA PANS TO SHOW "FUNLAND", WHICH IS OTHERWISE KNOWN AS TORTUGA. MOST OF THE CREW MAKES A MAD DASH FOR THE BOATS, LEAVING ONLY ONE FOR HYDE, DONNA, ERIC, JACKIE, AND LEO. THE FIVE OF THEM MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN TO THE BOAT AND ERIC AND LEO BEGAN TO ROW FOR SHORE, WITH HYDE MANNING THE TILLER AT THE STERN.

DONNA:

(To ERIC) I wonder if your parents and my Dad know we're gone yet.

ERIC:

Well, when I don't show up for dinner or to help my Dad clean up the shop, I'm pretty sure my Mom will start asking questions. Eventually she'll convince my Dad to go to the fort and ask Kelso and Fez for help and they'll come after us.

HYDE SMIRKS.

HYDE:

Yeah, let's see how well that brilliant idea pans out.

CUT TO:

ANOTHER ROWBOAT, THIS TIME ONE OFF THE COAST. KITTY IS JUST SITTING THERE, BOB, RED, KELSO, AND FEZ ARE ROWING, AND BROOKE IS AT THE TILLER. BOB LOOKS TIRED, RED IS LOOKING AT KELSO LIKE HE WANTS TO KILL HIM, FEZ LOOKS PISSED OFF, BROOKE LOOKS EMBARRASSED, AND KELSO IS GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT. KELSO'S UNIFORM, NOT SURPRISINGLY, IS A TOTAL MESS, HIS FACE IS BLACKENED, AND HIS HAIR IS A WILD MESS.

RED:

(Glowering at KELSO, who is sitting in front of him and to his right) DUMBASS!!!

KELSO:

(To the entire boat) Come on, guys...I said I was sorry. (A beat) But you gotta admit, that was the biggest explosion you've ever seen! That was AWESOME! (Laughs like an idiot)

FEZ:

(Spastically) Shut up, you son-of-a-bitch, before I kill you with my oar!

KELSO:

(Points at FEZ) You know one of the Commodore's jobs is to make sure there's enough gunpowder aboard in case we run into any pirates!

FEZ:

(Angrily) Yes, but you do not check how much is down there with a lit match...you use a lantern...ai! _¿No puedo creer que usted es tan estúpido... cuál es incorrecto con usted?_ (I cannot believe you're so stupid...what's wrong with you?)

KELSO:

(Spastically) The match burned my fingers, man...I had to throw it!

BROOKE:

(As though trying to explain things to a child) But Michael, you blew up our ship.

FEZ:

(Angrily) And because of your stupidity, I will now die out at sea without ever having given a woman the gift of the little men in my pants!

RED:

(To KELSO) DUMBASS!!! (To FEZ) And not one more word about what's in your pants, Haji, got that?

BOB:

(To RED) Aw geez, Red...can I stop rowing yet? I'm gettin' kinda tired...

RED:

Bob, have you ever heard the expression "man overboard"?

BOB:

(Nervously) Keep rowing...gotcha.

RED:

(With a tight sarcastic smile) Good man.

WE SEE KITTY HOLDING UP A WINE BOTTLE.

KITTY:

Well, at least we saved enough wine to last us awhile. (Laughs her signature laugh)

RED:

(Under his breath) Not the way you keep drinking it.

KITTY HEARS HIM AND LEANS OVER TO TALK IN HIS EAR.

KITTY:

Red, we are probably going to die out here because of Michael's inability to keep from blowing things up. My wine is the only way I'm going to keep from getting angry. Do you want me to go to my angry place?

RED:

(With a strained smile) Happy drinking, sweetheart!

KITTY SMILES AND KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK, THEN GOES BACK TO DRINKING.

KELSO:

Relax, guys...it's gonna be ok. (A beat, then spastically as he realizes something) OOH! I know! We could dock in Funland! It's in the next cove!

FEZ:

(Uncertainly) Kelso, what is Funland?

KELSO LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS IN FEZ'S EAR WITH A BIG DOPEY GRIN. AS HE TALKS, FEZ'S EYES GET WIDE AND FINALLY A SLEAZY SMILE APPEARS ON HIS FACE.

FEZ:

(Excitedly) Yes! Pull for Funland, people!

**Up Next:** Kelso and crew arrive in Funland! Fez meets someone in Funland! Jackie proves she's got what it takes to be a crewmember of the _Emerald Leaf_! And does Hyde bow to Jackie's wishes to let her cabin remain pink???


	5. The Adventures of Haji in Funland

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One.

**Chapter Five: The Adventures of Haji in Funland**

THE CAMERA SHOWS KELSO'S GROUP WALKING DOWN THE MAIN STREET OF THE TOWN. KITTY STOPS IN FRONT OF A TAVERN AND TURNS TO THE GROUP.

KITTY:

We're going to have to split up and look for Eric and Donna. Bob, you come with me and Red. Brooke, take Michael and Fez. Let's meet back here in two hours, ok?

AFTER GETTING A NOD OF UNDERSTANDING FROM BROOKE, KITTY HURRIES OFF, BOB FOLLOWING HER WHILE LOOKING AROUND AND GRINNING A DOPEY GRIN AT ALL THE PARTYING GOING ON, AND A VERY RELUCTANT RED FOLLOWING BEHIND THEM.

AS SOON AS THE THREE ADULTS LEAVE, KELSO AND FEZ TURN TO EACH OTHER, SHRUG, AND HEAD INTO THE TAVERN. BROOKE ROLLS HER EYES AT THIS, BUT FOLLOWS BEHIND THEM.

CUT TO:

THE INTERIOR OF THE TAVERN. IT IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE DRINKING AND CAROUSING, AND UPON SEEING THS, BROOKE AND FEZ BOTH CROWD CLOSER TO KELSO, WHO GRINS WHEN BROOKE PRESSES IN, BUT THEN LOOKS UNCERTAIN WHEN HE FINDS FEZ DOING THE SAME THING.

THE TRIO MAKES THEIR WAY TO THE BAR, AND ONE OF THE TAVERN GIRLS (PAM MACY) APPROACHES KELSO.

PAM:

(In a come-hither voice) Hi, Michael. (She sees BROOKE) Who's she?

KELSO:

(With a big dopey grin) Oh, hey, Pam! This is my wife, Brooke.

PAM GASPS INDIGNANTLY AND SLAPS KELSO HARD. (Author's Note: Think how Jack Sparrow gets slapped.)

KELSO:

(Indignant) UH! What was that for?!

PAM STALKS OFF. AS SHE DOES SO, ANOTHER TAVERN GIRL (ANGIE) COMES UP TO HIM. KELSO SEES HER AND GRINS.

KELSO:

(Grinning again) Angie!

ANGIE:

(Glares at KELSO and looks at PAM, who's walking away.) Who was she?

KELSO:

(Completely not getting it) Oh, that was Pam. (Grinning like an idiot) She and I used to do it before I hooked up with you.

ANGIE SLAPS KELSO HARD BEFORE WALKING AWAY AS WELL.

KELSO:

(Indignant) Damn it! That's the second time! (Pouting, he turns to BROOKE, who is watching him with a raised eyebrow.) Brookie-Bear, those girls were mean to me!

BROOKE ROLLS HER EYES AND PROCEEDS TO COMFORT KELSO, WHILE MOTIONING TO THE BARTENDER FOR TWO DRINKS.

CUT TO:

FEZ AT THE BAR SIPPING HIS OWN DRINK.

VOICE:

(Off-screen) Hey there, sailor...want some company?

FEZ GETS A LOOK ON HIS FACE THAT IS SIMILAR TO SOMEONE WHO'S JUST WON THE LOTTERY. A SLEAZY GRIN SPREADS ACROSS HIS FACE AS HE TURNS TO THE SOURCE OF THE VOICE, BUT WHEN HE SEES WHO IT IS, HIS FACE FALLS.

FEZ:

(Bitter) Oh, it's you. To answer your question, no, I do not need company.

THE CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW THE PERSON WHO SPOKE TO FEZ. IT'S LAURIE.

LAURIE:

(Attempting to persuade FEZ) Come on, Fez...I happen to like men in uniform...especially officers.

SHE GIVES FEZ A LUSTY GRIN, BUT HE DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE SWAYED BY IT.

FEZ:

No, thank you, Laurie...I cannot trust you. Now good day.

LAURIE:

(Surprised FEZ has turned her down) But Fez...

FEZ:

I said 'good day'!

FEZ TURNS BACK TO THE BAR, WHILE LAURIE POUTS BRIEFLY BEFORE AN IDEA OCCURS TO HER. SHE GRINS AND LEANS OVER TO WHISPER IN FEZ'S EAR.

LAURIE:

I have candy in my room upstairs...it's thick liquid chocolate that arrived here from France about a month ago. I've been waiting to use it on somebody.

FEZ GETS A PENSIVE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.

FEZ:

(His resolve weakening by the second) Ai...

LAURIE:

(Continues whispering in FEZ's ear) Why don't we go upstairs and play a game I like to call '_Admiral_ Fez and the Young Innocent Stowaway'?'

FEZ:

(In an urgent voice as he turns to face her) Ai...you are giving me needs, woman.

LAURIE:

(Tugs FEZ off his stool and gives him a naughty grin) Follow me, _Admiral_, sir.

FEZ AND LAURIE START UPSTAIRS, BUT FEZ STOPS AND STARES OFF INTO SPACE, SMILING; IT'S APPARENT HE'S JUST GOTTEN AN IDEA.

FEZ:

Wait a minute, my lovely...I have a better idea. Go and get the candy from your room and...

HE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS THE REST OF HIS IDEA IN LAURIE'S EAR. LAURIE GRINS WHEN SHE HEARS HIS IDEA.

LAURIE:

(In an innocent voice) Ooh, _Admiral_...that's so _naughty_! I love it!

SHE RUNS UPSTAIRS AND FEZ GAZES AFTER HER ADORINGLY.

CUT TO:

BACK TO THE BAR, WHERE BROOKE IS STILL COMFORTING KELSO. HYDE, ERIC, DONNA, AND JACKIE WALK INTO THE TAVERN. JACKIE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, AN EXPRESSION OF DISGUST ON HER FACE.

JACKIE:

Eww...this is hardly the atmosphere for a nice date, Steven.

HYDE LOOKS AT HER LIKE SHE'S CRAZY.

HYDE:

Jackie, shut your pie-hole.

THE FOUR OF THEM APPROACH THE BAR. ERIC SEES KELSO AND BROOKE AND POINTS THEM OUT TO HYDE AND DONNA.

HYDE:

(To KELSO) What the hell are you doing here?

KELSO:

(To ERIC and DONNA) You guys have to come back with us to Port Place...your parents are out looking for you right now. We have to meet them out front in an hour. (To HYDE) As for you, Hyde...you're under arrest.

HYDE MERELY SMIRKS AT KELSO.

HYDE:

Kelso, take a look around this place. How many of these upstanding citizens, do you think, are fans of the Navy?

KELSO:

I dunno.

HYDE:

Probably not many. So what do you think would happen if I pointed to you and yelled 'Naval Officer'?

KELSO STARES OFF INTO SPACE FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN HIS EYES GROW WIDE AS HE GETS THE PICTURE.

HYDE:

(Nods) Now you're getting it. So if I were you, I'd drop the whole 'arresting Hyde' thing for now.

KELSO POUTS, REALIZING HYDE'S RIGHT.

BROOKE:

How are we going to get back to Port Place, Michael? We don't have a ship anymore.

HYDE GRINS UPON HEARING BROOKE'S REMARK.

HYDE:

Kelso decided to check the gunpowder again, huh?

KELSO POUTS SOME MORE AS ERIC AND DONNA LAUGH.

JACKIE:

Steven will take you back to Port Place if you want.

HYDE TURNS TO JACKIE.

HYDE:

(Scoffs) Don't count on it, Doll.

CUT TO:

THE DECK OF THE _EMERALD LEAF_. THE CREW IS PREPARING FOR DEPARTURE.

HYDE IS STANDING BY THE SHIP'S WHEEL. HIS FACE IS COMPLETELY ZEN SAVE FOR THE SMALL TICKING MUSCLE IN HIS JAW THAT SHOWS HE'S CLOSE TO LOSING IT. DONNA AND BROOKE ARE STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE, CHATTING. JACKIE IS STANDING WITH THEM AND GAZING AT HYDE ADORINGLY. BOB, RED, KELSO, AND ERIC ARE HELPING THE REST OF THE CREW TAKE IN THE SHIP'S BOATS AND GET UNDERWAY; KELSO IS MOSTLY IN THE WAY, HOWEVER.

KITTY COMES OVER TO HYDE.

KITTY:

Steven, I want to thank you for taking us home.

HYDE:

(Uncomfortable) Don't mention it, Mrs. Forman.

KITTY SMILES AND WALKS OVER TO DONNA AND BROOKE WHILE HYDE LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AT JACKIE AND GLOWERS AT HER.

HYDE (cont.):

(To JACKIE) Stop staring at me Jackie; it's getting annoying.

DONNA COMES OVER TO HYDE WITH A CONCERNED EXPRESSION ON HER FACE.

DONNA:

Hyde, where's Fez? He's still in 'Funland'!

HYDE:

(Shrugs) It's not like he won't be happy there, Donna. (Then, sarcastically) Maybe it's better this way.

DONNA ROLLS HERE EYES IN EXASPERATION, BUT BEFORE SHE CAN REPLY THERE IS A GIRLY SCREAM FROM BELOWDECKS. ERIC RUNS OUT ON DECK. HIS EYES ARE CLAMPED SHUT AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO BE SICK.

HYDE ROLLS HIS EYES.

HYDE:

(To ERIC) I hate to break it to you, Forman, but you're gonna see mice on this ship once in a while.

ERIC:

Not mice...Fez...cabin...chocolate..._Laurie_!

THE OTHERS ALL LOOK AT HIM IN CONFUSION, BUT HYDE GETS WHAT ERIC IS SAYING BEFORE THE REST OF THEM, AND HIS EXPRESSION HARDENS.

HYDE:

Oh, hell no.

HE TAKES OFF DOWN TO HIS CABIN. DONNA FINALLY GETS WHAT ERIC WAS REFERRING TO, AND HER FACE SCRUNCHES UP IN DISGUST.

DONNA:

_Ewww..._

CUT TO:

DOORWAY LEADING INTO HYDE'S CABIN. THE CAMERA FACES INTO THE HALL. HYDE COMES INTO THE DOORFRAME AND WHEN HE SEES THE INSIDE OF HIS CABIN HE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOSE IT. KELSO APPEARS BEHIND HIM AND LOOKS INSIDE THE CABIN AS WELL. A BIG DOPEY GRIN APPEARS ON HIS FACE.

KELSO:

Way to go, Fez!

HE TURNS TO HYDE, POINTS, AND LAUGHS LIKE AN IDIOT.

KELSO:

BURN!

HYDE GLOWERS AT KELSO.

HYDE:

Hey, Kelso? Run.

KELSO:

(Clueless as usual) Why would I need to run, Hyde?

HYDE MERELY CONTINUES TO STARE AT HIM, WAITING FOR IT TO CLICK. IT FINALLY DAWNS ON KELSO AS TO WHY HE'D NEED TO RUN, AND HIS EYES WIDEN.

KELSO:

(Yells spastically) Oh, crap!

HE TAKES OFF RUNNING, NOT BOTHERING TO LOOK WHERE HE'S GOING. HYDE MERELY WATCHES KELSO RUN, KNOWING HE'LL EVENTUALLY HURT HIMSELF WITHOUT HYDE WASTING THE EFFORT. KELSO TURNS TO SEE IF HYDE IS FOLLOWING HIM AND THEREFORE DOESN'T SEE THE LOW BEAM STICKING OUT AHEAD. WHEN HE TURNS TO FACE FRONT AGAIN, HE RUNS HEADLONG INTO THE BEAM.

KELSO:

OW! My eye!

HYDE MERELY WATCHES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD, ALMOST UNABLE TO BELIEVE HIS FRIEND'S LACK OF INTELLIGENCE.

HYDE:

(Sarcastically to himself) This trip's gonna be so much fun...

END SCENE.


End file.
